What discourages me to pray?

Not long ago, I dreamed of something quite meaningful and prayed for it’s meaning to come true.

A few weeks ago, I’ve officially gave up on that dream. I wrote on my journal “Lord I want to focus on you so I want to let go of my dream” those were my reasons.. and so I thought…

Funny, one of my friend who knew about it, (as if God also wants me to validate it) asked how things were going? I immediately said, I gave up on it!  She told me, well you must have peace from the word of God. I said “not really, I just made a conscious effort to give up on it, just because I think it’s blinding — I just don’t want to think about it anymore”. I felt so proud of myself having to make such a brave decision. I also told my best friend  (who is also my prayer partner in almost everything) that I’ve given up on it, so we could pray for a different direction now. She was nice enough to still encourage me to go on. I appreciate that, although my decision was final.

During my quiet time, the Lord keeps on validating in my heart on how He speaks to us in dreams. But I shove the thought away. saying over and over in my head “it’s not real, it could not be, it’s not for me”.

But today my heart is pierced -as the Sunday’s message was about coming to God with confidence (Hebrews 4:16) and persistence in prayer (Luke11). The pastor asked what discourages you to pray? and along with it he somehow said, we must have faith..and I began to tear up –

I immediately entered to a conversation with God.

“That’s the problem Lord, I’m willing to give up on it because I don’t have the faith. My dream seems so impossible in my eye to be fulfilled and my heart keeps on expecting for it that I fear it’s too blinding – that I will only see the things I lack and not what you’ve given me.” — somehow the Lord searched my heart and told me “so that was your real reason”

It’s not even about my dream now, but it’s about my unbelief to the power of our Sovereign God. Somehow I was willing to give Him some areas of my life that I think He could handle and in my audacity to console Him “it’s ok Lord I can handle that you know – i mean if you can’t give it to me – it’s ok, I can manage..(eliminating my heart from being hurt or disappointed”). I felt shame for what my heart has become and apologized to the Lord for my haughtiness. And now I ask how to go on Lord, how do I begin?

Persistence…   Luke 11: 8 I tell you, even though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his persistence he will get up and give him as much as he needs.

and Getting to know the God of So Much More…

Luke 11: 11  Now suppose one of you fathers is asked by his son for a fish; he will not give him a snake instead of a fish, will he? 12 Or if he is asked for an egg, he will not give him a scorpion, will he? 13 If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?”

Dear Lord, thank you for the sweet conversations we are having. I know you are molding my character. Please help me Jesus to become who you want me to be. 

Please view the whole message here: Invitation to Pray

http://youtu.be/a_QRBbywXTY

Join us to our prayer and fasting week January 7-12, 2013:

http://www.ccf.org.ph/knowing-god/

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